The next morning found the entire Hanson family standing in a long row at the bus stop right outside Belinda’s house. Bel wasn’t with them, she was at the orthodontist, getting braces. Tay sympathised. He’d got his braces put on just a few weeks earlier and had wanted to go with Bel to the orthodontist, to give her some moral support. Zac, however, had insisted that they find Jonathan soon, and Tay had to admit that his younger brother had a point.
Zac and Taylor had wanted to look for Jonathan by themselves, or maybe just with Belinda. Unfortunately, Bel was currently reclining in a white chair, moaning in agony, and Mr and Mrs Hanson wouldn't let their precious babies go out into the big city alone. After an hour of negotiation the night before, they had finally decided that the whole Hanson family was going to the city, and they would meet up with Belinda after lunch. Luckily her orthodontist was very near to the Dead Flea Motel, which they had located on a map and which you will remember was where Jonathan was staying.
Belinda had warned them that the Melbourne public transport system, or the Met, was like no other, anywhere else in the world, but the Hansons were sure they were up to the challenge. It would have been much easier to drive there, but Diana and Walker had decided that they and their children needed to get to know the Melbourne culture.
And so, at ten o’clock in the morning, they found themselves waiting for a bus which, according to the timetable, appeared to be at least half an hour late.
Walker was at the head of the line, holding Zoe in his right arm. Mackenzie was hanging off his father’s left arm and playing with a little toy car.
Avery and Jessica were standing just behind Mackie, holding about forty different Barbies and their clothes in a huge travel-case. They were dressed in matching pink ballet costumes.
Isaac came next in line. He was wearing skin-tight plaid pedal-pushers, a sagging mauve and mustard tie-dyed singlet top, and a fake nose ring, placed so he looked like a bull. His hair was in pigtails, and his feet were squeezed into plastic moccasins about a size and a half too small. They were a blinding shade of iridescent blue and had fluffy pom-poms decorating the heels. They were meant to be authentic Native American design. They weren’t.
Ike was cradling his beloved toaster, stroking it lovingly and murmuring to it, “Tonight, my love, tonight...” Occasionally he would kiss it.
Taylor and Zac were standing as far away as they could get from Isaac, and trying desperately to keep from throwing up. It was making them sick the way Isaac was looking at the toaster.
Taylor groaned as he thought of Belinda. Hopefully Isaac would tire of her soon. Tay was resplendent in blue jeans so baggy that they threatened to fall of his stick-like frame any second, and a baby-blue long-sleeved top with a white stripe. His golden locks were pulled back in a ponytail and he was wearing pale blue socks and his black docs. Tay sighed as he thought of his cherry docs. He hoped Cinderella was nearly finished with them so that his fairy godmother could return them soon. Taylor was fond of his favourite shoes.
Zac smiled as he gazed at his older brother. Tay looked so damn hot that morning. If only he was a girl... Shit! Zac thought he needed psychiatric help. You weren’t meant to be sexually attracted to your own brother, even if he did, as one magazine put it, have "millions of girls around the world wanting to press his flesh.”
Young Zachary Hanson was looking pretty darn good himself right at that moment. He’d gone for the daring look and was wearing the tightest, shiniest, purple-est t-shirt he could find. It clung to his body so much it made moving difficult, but it showed off his manly twelve-year-old chest to perfection. That it was Taylor's t-shirt didn't bother Zac. He was also wearing Tay's boxers, Tay's tight leather pants, and Tay's black Converse sneakers. He was even using one of Tay’s hair-ties to keep his hair off his face.
Mrs Hanson was bringing up the rear of the group. She was loaded down with all the equipment needed when you take a baby out for the day, plus a brochure entitled “Melbourne - A Tourist’s Guide To Our Friendly City”. Mrs Hanson thought they were merely exploring one of the nicest cities in the world, and she didn't intend to miss out on any of the many exciting landmarks that the glossy brochure depicted in extremely superlative adjectives.
“I hope this bus comes soon," she remarked to the family as a whole. "I can't wait to see the Shrine of Remembrance."
Taylor and Zac glanced at each other. Their plan was to ditch the rest of the family as soon as they could to go off and search for Jonathan. There was no way they could tell their parents where they were really going, but they still felt guilty about it.

Half an hour later, the bus still hadn’t come.
The Hanson family sat down on the curb to wait. By this time a couple of really dodgy looking punks, and an equally dodgy looking old woman had joined the line.
Suddenly, Tay got the feeling that there was somebody trying to get his attention. He looked around until he spotted a pink plastic wing and an extremely frustrated-looking face poking out from behind a bush. Casually he picked himself up off the curb and sauntered over towards his fairy godmother.
“Here!” She hissed, and tossed him his cherry docs. “Take them. I’m bloody sick of carrying the f**king things around. Sorry if they smell a bit. Cindy gets really sweaty feet."
“You took your bloody time getting them back to me, didn’t you! D'you know how f**king uncomfortable those f**king glass slippers were?! Not to mention they were bloody embarrassing! I had to wear these stupid boots!” Tay exploded, aggrieved.
“Oh, yes,” his fairy godmother giggled. “I think the tooth-fairy told me about that. Oh, well.”
“Oh, well. OH, WELL! Is that all you can say! I went through torture because of your incompetence, and all you can say is "oh, well"! Why you..." Tay got cut off in the midst of his flood of eloquence.
“You’d better go now,” interjected his fairy godmother. “Your family is looking for you. See ya.”
Tay turned around. He could indeed see his family hunting all over the street for him, calling his name. He turned back to his fairy godmother, but she had gone. Disappeared. Tay listened hard. He could faintly hear the sound of a motorbike disappearing into the distance.
Taylor Hanson turned around, and, carrying his shoes, walked back to his family, wondering at the strange and peculiar world he was living in.
“Tooth-fairies, indeed!” He muttered.

The Hanson family, the punks and the old woman breathed a massive sigh of relief as the bus finally pulled up at the curb. The old woman shoved her way to the front of the queue swinging her handbag around her head and screaming out ancient death threats. The punks punched Isaac in the stomach, and pushed past him up the steps and onto the bus.
The Hanson family clambered aboard the bus after them. Someone had graffittied above the door the words “Welcumm to the wurrld of tikkit buying!” It was a suitably foreboding phrase...
Mrs Hanson decided that she would be the one to face the challenge and buy the tickets. She strode towards the bus driver. He was an ugly fool. “I want to buy some tickets,” she said engagingly. The bus driver looked blank.
“You do? What sort...?”
“I dunno, what tickets do you have?”
“Mom, I want a red one,” said Taylor.
“I want a blue one," said Zac.
“I want a green one,” said Ike.
“I want a pink one,” said Avery.
“I want a purple one,” said Jessica.
“I want a yellow one,” said Mackie.
“Burp,” said Zoe.
“Well,” said the bus driver. “I can sell you all those tickets, but half of you are going to end up in Akaporgko, and the other half will end up in Woop-Woop.”
“That sounds good,” said Diana. “We’ll take them!”
“Uh... Dear,” put in her husband. “Maybe it would be easier if we all bought a ticket to the same place.” Taking charge, Walker turned to the bus driver. "We want to go to the city," he said politely.
The bus driver gave a sigh of relief and pulled a wad of tickets out of the metal box in front of him. He expertly punched holes in the correct places and handed the tickets to Zoe, who was waving an adorable chubby little arm in the bus driver’s direction. She grabbed at the tickets, burped again, and dropped the tickets on the floor of the bus, where they immediately blew out the door and down the street. The Hanson family watched them as they floated down a drain.
Walker sighed, and proffered more notes. The bus driver reached for more tickets.

[ 15 ]